Monday, April 14, 2008

Today's gems.

Today started out in the usual way.

Technology strike. It took me two hours to copy all my documents for my taxes, and still didn't get them in the mail today. Technology never seems to want to work when you are in a hurry.

I get to the Canton house I injure myself by hitting my finger with a mallet. Causing a big giant blood blister. The the past week I haven't been able to do anything without injuring myself. I'm just exhausted. So, I'm pretty crack whored out. Bruises. Injuries. You get the idea.

I'm still laying down bamboo flooring. I got Alpha contractor to fix the fireplace issue. So I was finally able to get the hole in the floor sealed. Now I can proceed in finishing it.

I'm in the middle of working on it, and I hear "SNARKOLPESY! - Your floor isn't straight. You've started drifting".

Me - WHAT?

Him - Come down here and look. You aren't straight any more. I told you - you needed to measure every 3 lengths.

This of course causes a work stoppage while I plead my usual case. Which usually involves something like:

Me - Alpha Contractor my floor is straight. I agree it doesn't look like it from this direction, but it does from the other direction. I think your eye is just being bothered by a visual illusion.

Him - No. It's not straight. Let me show you.

At this point he gets our his nails and string, and I start measuring with the tape measure.

Me - Look - Alpha contractor. I think I'm only 2/16ths off. Over 20 feet, that isn't too bad.

Him - You like that number - do you?

Me - What does that mean? I don't care anything about that number. It is how far off I think I am. Most people aren't going to perceive 2/16ths of an inch.

When he gets his string line all set up I say "look! That is really close. Probably 2/16ths".

He grumbles.

(I've decided he has the demeanor of Trace Atkins from the Celebrity Apprentice.)

Me - So are you going to admit, I'm not off track?

Him - is that what you need?

Me - Well - yeah.

Oh, then get this. My realtor friend was over today. While I was having Alpha contractor help me put a bigger stake on my new tree (today, the wind has whipped up and started causing problems) he says the following to me.

Him - Your friend needs to get a pedicure.


Him - You need to give her some tough love and tell her not to go without shoes.

What am I going to say to this? It was just funny.

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