Monday, August 13, 2007

Confessions of a control freak.

The whole thing is just uncomfortable. Seeing more doctors than I probably would in a lifetime. Having more tests than I should ever need. Realising I'm having a surgery for something that isn't really broken. That's right folks. I'm in the panic stage.

I'm at the surgeons office today, watching other clients who seem jubilant. And I'm sitting there with my stomach in my throat. I know I'll have to let other people take care of me. That I'll soon have to trust.

I've been trying to convince myself that most of my stress is just about hating doctors. I come by that easily. I went to more funerals before the age of 12 than most people attend in a lifetime. It was like my family was trying to set a record for most dramatic death scene. And they were doing a really good job.

Being po' folk, we couldn't afford babysitters to keep impressionable minds from seeing stuff they really shouldn't. So, I've easily earned my right to dislike anything that comes from medicine. I have an unnatural amount of stress about the whole medical field. I don't trust them. I don't think I ever will.

Today though, I realised that only half of my stress is due to hating the medical field. The other half is just downright loosing control of being able to make decisions. And it just feels really uncomfortable.

I want to have some magic epiphany and say " you know.. I'm going to be less of a control freak". But I think that's just bullshit. Maybe I'll just feel better admitting that wanting to stay in control is why I'm so completely stressed?


  1. You'll be fine. A bit of panic is normal, just don't jump off the deep end and you'll do great.

  2. I don't think Chickie likes the loss of control much either. When he went in for his ear tube operation last time, apparently he fought the anaesthetic with everything he had.

    Try not to stress too much (heh, it's so easy to say it, but I'm sure I'd be very stressed too!)

  3. Caramaena - oh... poor Chickie!

    I'm hoping the surgery at least made the ear-aches better. Those would totally suck.

    Monicker - What? No jumping off the deep end? How am I going to get my crazy on? I knew by the end of summer I'd be in a dark place. Must have rest.