Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The mall is everything I hate about women.

You normally won't find me walking the mall. But I have that snooty jet reception which I am now regretting. I figured I'd try to pick up some Ed Hardy gear to blend in. (eye roll) No big deal though. I started early. And I wanted to see how retail was doing pre back to school anyway.

There was the normal 40-75% off signs that have infected mall stores for the past few years. No alarm there. Somewhat problematic was the hovering sales people.

You got hit two steps in the door. "Can I help you find something". I'm just browsing - I'd reply. But my mental dialog was screaming - I just got here. I don't even know what you have yet! No big deal though. Women need someone to hold their hand through their whole shopping "experience". I understand this.

I debated buying some really cute platform heels. Then decided against it. I am not a social climber. I just want some interesting content. So I decided to get some new tennis shoes. Oh here go hell come.

Ladies... what the eff is your obsession with glitter? I love glitter as much as the next girl - but I am not even being dramatic a bit when I say every single ladies tennis shoe was covered in glitter. And 20 colors. And 15 patterns.

Normally I wear men's tennis shoes, because women's always have this really pointy toe. But, even though I was going casual I didn't want to look like a dude. 7 stores later I found a simple white pair of tennis shoes. But first I had to go through the gauntlet. One shoe store I stepped into, the sales guy hit me up right away. "Can I help you find something? Shoes - I reply. This is a shoe store right?

Okay, so back to my find. Simple white tennis shoes. I finally acquired my target and just needed my size. There was only one girl working the desk and she was swamped. Finally though, I had to ask her if she was the only one working the area. I have stuff to do. I mean, she had a line of people at the register. She couldn't even help anyone get shoes from the back. She of course called someone from another department.

While she is running her ass off, the women's (purposefully misspelled) were getting surly. One girl - I saw her thought bubble and laughed. Where she immediately looked at me. Sorry... I can just see you and I are in the same place. We'd already politely smiled at each other and then gave a WTF look to each other. Immediately she understood and went back to her own surly thought bubble.

Another woman was complaining about the lack of staff. Where I countered - Everyone has to cut back, but if some one wants to give you money - find a way to let them.

I suspect the girl could hear what we were saying. The department was small. I was not being rude. Like it sounds in text. This girl was doing the best she could with the resources she had.

When they finally found my shoe size I immediately whip out my card. Where the sales girl apologized. I told her I knew it wasn't her, and that every department should have an express line.

And my shoes? Glitter shoe laces. I'd gotten the last pair in that size. Someone else must have already hated the laces because I have one shoe with glitter, and the other with a plain shoe lace.

All of this took me three hours. And all these stores wonder why Amazon is eating their lunch. Oh yes.. if you want someone to help you find something. All set! If you actually want to buy that item? Effed!

Something else happened at the mall today. I saw a women who's ass was an isle wide. I am not even exaggerating. I don't hate fat people. Whatever they want to do is their choice.

It was in bras. And her hips touched the merchandise on both sides of the isle. I had to turn around immediately because my face is very expressive. I immediately texted Mr S. who wanted to know if I'd taken pictures. Which I was never going to do. So you just have to take my word for it.


  1. O.M.G.! You shop for shoes at the mall? And you thought I had balls for commuting!

    I noticed the stupid glittery girly shoe trend at the Big Box store where I normally look for tennis shoes. It's nearly impossible to find something plain (that also fits my foot).

    I seriously HATE going shopping. Normally you might have to pay me to set foot in a mall. You and I seriously should go shopping sometime. Not to buy anything, just to share the experience. Wide people, really old (slow) people, and my favorite (not): noisy screaming kids and the parents who don't control them. :D

    Amazon, FTW.

  2. To be fair - you are commuting from Pluto. ;)

    Wow... big box stores. You really want to see me melt down. Don't you! That would be really funny though. Later. After all the apologizing for my laser eyes, and and all my loud internal dialog.

    Still - I can't be any worse than that traffic. Which doesn't sound like a very flattering endorsement. I have to admit.