Like sunshine on my skin.

You know - recently I'd decided that I was never going to look at crowds the same way. I generally find them pretty annoying. Okay.. maybe I wouldn't look at the same way for a while. I'm not going to be a phony about it.

Anyway.

Being an independent, self reliant sort. I didn't understand how deeply I needed these people. I'm a disaster baby. So I always have backup plan after backup plan. So - if things go sideways I can make it through. Yet, all those doors seemed to be getting more and more blocked. Which is why maybe the tone of this blog has changed a bit recently. It was like being buried in dirt.

Most of the time I'd go out, and things seemed pretty average. But there were days I'd go out and it wasn't normal. It was like someone added a foot of dirt to my chest. Restricting my breathing.

Just two weeks ago I was in San Fransisco and the place was pretty empty. Add a foot of dirt. The whole thing frankly made me feel pretty panicky. I couldn't breath, yet I was hyperventilating. All at the same time.

Now it seemed I needed these people way more than I ever felt comfortable. These people I didn't even know. And I was starting to succumb to the downward spiral theory. There were more and more days where everything wasn't normal. Traffic, buying, people. The weight on my chest was starting to get to me. I fully had started to believe I was wrong and everyone else was right. Maybe we as a people, weren't strong enough to make it through this. Maybe I'd misplaced my faith in people.

Today however - San Fransisco was busier than I'd seen it in a long time. So much busier that I had to tell myself "suck it up wussie. These people are buying stuff. It doesn't matter how crowded things are". And - it was my mantra for the whole day.

Honestly, I haven't seen things so busy since probably spring of last year. It completely shocked me. I'd expected a gradual return. Not that I'm deluded enough to think everything is just fine now. But, it definitely was change from average. It was so busy - it felt like taking 3 feet of dirt off the pile.